3 TO GO!!!

Doesn't that seem like such a small number? I am so excited! It seems like since I have made it over the hump of my half-way point things have been flying by pretty fast. Overall, things went well today. We had a bit of a scare yesterday. As I have mentioned before my arm has been turning a bit purple and swelling a little, but it never sticks around too long so we hadn't got it checked out, but as I was getting ready for bed Sunday night I noticed that not only was it looking strange again, but this time it was hurting me as well. Whenever I moved my arm it felt like I had a pulled muscle. It wasn't too painful, nothing more then you would have after a good workout, but we wanted to play it safe so I called up my chemo nurses. They set me up with a Doppler exam on my right arm and shoulder stat just to be sure that it wasn't a blood clot. If that is what it would have turned out to be we would have had to treat it immediately and I would have missed my chemo session today. Surprisingly I was upset about that. With a month off it would be really hard to go back! Luckily, it wasn't a blood clot. I still have no idea why my arm is being weird however, but at least we know it is nothing really serious.
I got to see Dr. Bhalla today and he went over the tests I had done since I last saw him. Nothing came as too much of a shock. I was already feeling fairly confidnet that I was doing well, yet it was still nice to hear him confirm it. He told us that while I still had lymph nodes visible on the PET scan they are not absorbing gluclose anymore so more then likely the reason why they are still larger is because of scar tissue meaning that I am being quite responsive to my chemo. :) He also informed me the my PFTs showed that I have some lung restriction so he will be removing one of the medications from my chemo to prevent it from getting worse. So, I was doing ABDV and now I am getting rid of the B and doing ADV (that cuts like 5 minutes of my treatment time!) I will also have to get a MUGA scan in the next few weeks to insure that my heart is still function normal as well.
I would also like to make a small note on Karma. A little over a year ago I had a friend ( I won't say her name to save her some embarassment) who accidently shaved off a rather large portion of her eyebrow, so she decided to draw it in. Well, we decided to go to a party that night and with being in the large crowds it got pretty warm. She went to whipe the dew (afterall she is a lady and does not sweat... hehe) off her forehead and then, suddenly with a look of terror on her face she turned to me and said "Did I just smear my eyebrow?" I lost it. I thought it was so funny from the look of fear on her face alone, nevermind the fact that she had dark eyeliner smeared on her hand. The poor girl. Not only had she lost her eyebrow, but now she had to worry about accidently whipping the one she had drawn in off. I have never really let her live that one down. Anyways, as the weeks go by my eyebrows keep getting thiner and thiner. At the moment they are pratically nonexistant! What goes around comes around!!! Now I feel awful for having made fun of her so much, but maybe she will be forgiving enough to give me lessons on how to draw in some new brows if I decide I need that! I don't know if that is something I can handle.

On another note........
I think I should mention the gratitude I have been feeling for my chemo treatments lately. Although being positive and happy despite your circumstances has been lesson I have been taught since I was young I have never really had to apply it quite as much as I have needed to lately.As a result I have been reaching for little snidbits of wisdom I have picked up over the years. When I was in the Young Woman's program for my chuch I was given a lesson by a leader on trails. She read us the book Cinder Edna. If you have never read it I highly recommend it. Like Cinderella, Cinder Edna is forced to live with her wicked stepmother and sisters, do all of the chores, and is poor, but instead of complaining, wishing for better days to come, and sitting by the fire wallowing, Cinder Edna makes the best of her situation. She turns the chore of having to cook all the meals for her family into a learning tool and comes to know a ton of recipes for Tuna Caserole. She spends her free time reading funny jokes and cleaning bird cages for extra money. When the ball comes around Cinder Edna goes to the store and puts a simple but elegent dress in layaway with the extra money she had earned and on the night of the dance, instead of relying on her fairy godmother to come rescue her, Cinder Edna goes to the store picks up her dress, slips on her comfortable loafers for dancing, and takes the bus to the ball. There she also meets her prince charming, the younger brother of Cinderella's man, Prince Rupert, and she actually gets to know him as they dance the night away. By the end of the evening, she had to bolt at midnight because that is when the buses stop running, they know each others names and interests, so when it comes time to find the girls Prince Rupert, unlike his brother, doesn't have to try a glass slipper on every girl in the kingdom, he is able to look up his love in the phone book. I love this story. Ater reading it I never looked at Cinderella the same way again. Often I look to Cinder Edna for inspiration as I strive to become more like her. With her example I took the lesson I have been recieving since I was young about being positive and happy despite your circumstances and built on it slowly developing a sort of personal philosophy. I believe it to be important to find joy within yourself instead of letting your circumstances control how you feel. I believe it to be imprtant to be grateful for you have. When you start counting your blessings you get to see how truely fortunate you are. I believe it is important to work hard for what you want instead of just wishing for things to come our way and I believe it is important to take the hardships you are given and really grow from them, allowing yourself to become better because of them. Going in for my chemo treatments and fighting for my life has forced me to examine myself and my life more closely and it has made me realize that there are a few things that I am just not happy with and other things that I want that I wasn't going after. Coming to understand that has made me want to change those things. I am excited for that. I have already started to work on it and the experience has been wonderful. I feel awesome! I love it and that gives me the motivation to keep pushing forward and to keep working at my new goals. So, thank you to my chemo, Cinder Edna and the leader who read me the book.

Sorry that was another long one!!! :)
Ttyl,

Kenna

PET scan

So, as I predicted I am pretty much incapable of reading my PET scan results report. I don't speak medical, but I was able to pick up that I am doing well. Phrases like "significant improvement," and "Overall, positive response to chemotherapy," gave it a way. :) That is great news, but I am looking forward to having my doctor explain everything in an easier to understand way so I can get a clearer picture in my mind of how far I have come and how far I still have to go. Hopefully, we are still on target. Ttyl

4 to G0!!!

Ok, sorry I know it has been forever since I have been on here and since I've posted :(, so once again if I am leaving any information out please let me know cuz at it turns out I am not a very good blogger.
Yesterday's chemo session went really well. I got through the whole thing without feeling queasy at all!!! :) It also seems, and I know this sounds a little weird, that I have become more absorbent. Each time I am able to get through my medications faster. Now, I am usually able to get out of there now within 2 hours. When I first started it was taking 3 and 4 hours. It helps time pass however when you have someone there to entertain you. This time my younger sister Emma went with me. We always look odd when we hang out together these days. She still has her neck brace on and I am still walking around bald. My Dad jokes around that our family looks like it could be the new poster family for medical care. I think that may be even more true now! My mom, my sisters, and I went out to dinner and a movie on Friday night. We had just learned that Jerah is pregnant again this past week and unfortunately that caused her to feel a little sick after dinner on Friday. So, as we go walking up to the theater Emma is in her full on neck brace, I obviously am caner patient with my hat on and my port visible, and Jerah has this look on her face serving as a warning that at any moment she was capable of blowing chunks everywhere (sorry, I know that is a little graphic). My mom had to have a chuckle that she was the most normal one there.
Anyway, it was really fun to have Emma with me. Like all of my brothers and sisters Emma has a wonderful sense of humor and is so much fun to be around. She makes me laugh. We decided to pass time by playing speed ( a card game). I'll admit it, she beat me 3 out of the 4 times we played, :( (what happened I use to be much better then that), but I have my suspicions that she may have cheated once or twice. My chemo nurse, Dianne, also gave me my calender for my next few chemo sessions. It had 3 of the 4 sessions I have left on it!!!! That brought the biggest smile to my face! I am also there! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel! My last session should be May 12th ( I thought it was going to be cinco de mayo, whoops). Its looking like that week is going to be awesome for me because it is my last week of school as well. By the way, I should mention that school is going great so far. I am doing excellent in all of my classes and have only missed had to miss class once or twice. Work has been a bit tougher then that just because I am there more and when I am there its more demanding on me physically and mentally, but still I have been lucky and for the most part have been able to do my job without too many problems.
I got the tests I need done last week. The mamagram went really well and it wasn't as bad I thought it would be and while the nurses aren't really aloud to tell me anything one of them did mention that she hadn't seen anything which put me at ease along with the fact that they didn't take too many pictures, that is always a good sign too. The PFTs (pulimanary function tests) also went well. In fact, they were so much better this time! While I still didn't really like sitting there, sorry its just boring, it was way easier to do the test. It didn't hurt nearly as much. The tech told me that last time I had only scored a 65% and the average person scores around 80%. I knew my scores had been bad last time. I had told my dad after the last test that I must have failed, I could just tell by the look on the guys face when we left, but my dad just laughted and said that it was impossible to fail that kind of test because it wasn't a pass or fail thing, but I would just like to say that at least a far as medical test go, if you are not normal or average, in my mind, you have failed! So, I am happy to report that I got an 82% this time! YES!!!!!
I did my PET scan on monday and have not herd the results yet. I am unwilling to wait to see my doctor in two weeks to hear the outcome however so I decided to cheat. I called MDI and asked for a copy of the report and a CD of the images they took which I will be picking up later on today. I don't know what I will be able to make of them considering my medical knowledge is limited, but I will report on what on I am able to figure out.
One last thing, I have recieved a ton of compliments on how sparkly my diamond earrings are and it always brings a huge smile to my face. Mission accomplished. The jewler did an excellent job in picking those diamonds out. He really did use the two most sparkly. Thank you guys again for them.
That is all I have for now. I have posted a couple of pics of the family below. This was the night before Tanner left on his mission. We have herd much from him, but he seems to be doing well. Peace! Kenna

Tanner and JerahTanner and Carl

Tanner and Abby
Tanner and MeTanner, Ethan, Emma, Mom and DadI have no idea why Tanner has to be a goof in every picture. It is impossible to get him being serious. Sorry about the really long post!

"Lead Kindly Light"

In church on Sunday we sang the hymn "Lead Kindly Light." For the first time, and I must have sung that song at least 100 times before, the lyrics really hit me. They read:

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that Thou shouldst lead me on;
I loved to choose and see my path; but now lead Thou me on!
I loved the garish day, and, spite of fears,
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years!

So long Thy power hath blest me, sure it still will lead me on.
O’er moor and fen, o’er crag and torrent, till the night is gone,
And with the morn those angel faces smile, which I
Have loved long since, and lost awhile!

Meantime, along the narrow rugged path, Thyself hast trod,
Lead, Savior, lead me home in childlike faith, home to my God.
To rest forever after earthly strife
In the calm light of everlasting life.

Its hard on me when things don't work out the way I wanted them to or the way I was planning them to, but looking back, especially over the last couple of years, I have come to realize that almost nothing has really worked out the way I thought it was going to. The plans I had for myself have been completed obliterated and you know what, I am so grateful. There isn't one thing I would change and as I have said before, I am sure that when this is all said and done, I will be thankful for it as well. The Lord has a plan for each of us, better then anything we could come up with for ourselves, it's time that I start trust him and letting him leading instead of trying to fight for what I think I want and need because if there is anyone that knows me best, it's him.

5 To Go!

I was informed by a friend that now that I have made it over the hump I can start counting down! I really like that idea. Just five rounds left to go! Today's session went pretty well. The saline they give me to flush my port before and after they use it is becoming really hard to take (I am one lucky girl considering this has been my only real problem). It makes me feel really really queasy, but we have a couple of ideas of how to fix that. Saline is the stuff I talked about before that I can actually taste in my mouth when they give it to me. I was using lifesavers to mask its taste, but have since developed a hate for lifesavers. They remind me too much of the saliene now and I can't stand the them anymore. So, instead of hard candy I am going to try eating something salty. Saline's flavor is pretty salty anyway so we we are hoping eating chips or crackers will mask the taste better.
Because I have reached my half way Dr. Bhalla wants me to repeat all of the tests I did before I started chemo. So I imagine in the next two weeks I will be getting that taking care of. One of the tests I will be doing is a pulmonary function test. Oh man, I have to be honest, out of all the tests I have had to have done, this is the one that I disliked the most. Basically what they do is have me sit in this dome thing and breath in to a tube in different rhythms and patterns. It doesn't sound so bad, and really it isn't. Its the fact that you have to do this for over an hour that makes it so awful. Last time I got so tired that even in the end when they gave me medication (the same type of stuff that treats asthma) to see if it would improve my scores (if it doesn't help your scores they should at least be about the same), but mine ended up being even worse. I am hoping, however that now that I have had some of my chemo treatments, the coughing has stopped, and I am not fresh off of a lung procedure that the test will be way easier for me. I also will be doing a PET scan. I think PET scans are probably the most informative tests I have done. Its actually kind of cool. The day before I can't eat any carbs or sugars and the day of I can't eat or drink anything at all in an effort to get my blood sugar really low. Then, they inject some sort of radiation substance stuff into me and I have to wait 45 minutes. I am not really allowed to anything (and that includes talking) just to make sure that I don't throw off the test. When the 45 minutes are up I am placed in a tube and they complete the scan. The cancerous cells absorb the sugar that was in the stuff they gave me and glow in the pictures they take, so they are able to quickly identify where the cancer is located. It will be really fun to get this back! I can't wait to know the results! I'll let you know as soon as I do.
I would once again like to thank everyone for their comments and their support, as well. They really do mean so much to me. It's hard to think of myself as brave,inspirational, or admirable. I guess when you're in the midst of one of your greatest challenges all your concentration is stuck on pushing forward, staying positive, and getting through and its hard to see anything else, but just hearing that I am able, through my story, help someone else with their own struggles lifts my spirits and gives me strength. Afterall, thats why we are all here isn't it, to help and serve one another along our journey. Love you all and I will talk to you soon!

Kenna :)

Inked

So, we decided to have a little bit of fun with my baldness. I mean how many times does a girl get to be bald in her lifetime? I lost the majority of my hair, but still had some weird fuzzies that needed be shaved off. It was starting to look really weird. Thank goodness for Fran and her willingness to help. She shaved my head down to the skin. It took about 20 minutes and was totally gross. She also assisted in the picking out of my tattoo. There really isn't a ton of options when it comes to temporary stick on tattoos, at least not on the 50 cent rack at party city, so we went with something completely hokey. A dolphin with a tribal design in the back. Really? Who would actually want that? It does make me look hardcore tho, don't you think? :) We got a couple of other fun tattoo designs too, so you may be seeing more in the future. Ttyl

Spongebob Inspiration

At some point after reaching my half way mark I let my mind wander to what exactly that meant. Yes, its true, I've made it half way and that's wonderful, but it also means I still have half way left to go. That is six more rounds of chemo treatments, that frankly I'd prefer not to do, three more months of feeling somewhat off and less then myself, at least half a year with a buzz cut hair-do and hats to accessorize, and who knows how many more doctor or hospital visits. Thinking of all this, although it have never really bothered me that much before, what was left to do just seemed like way too much to bear. Life can be so very unfair. This is not at all what I wanted for myself. Why shouldn't I be blessed with the same normal fairly easy going life that most 20 year olds get to live? What did I do to deserve these challenges? The feeling was horrible and discouraging. I've been working so hard on trying to remain upbeat and positive, telling myself that things aren't so bad, they could be much worse, that I really have been blessed in countless ways, that it is, in the grand scheme of things, a small amount of time, that I could make it through, and that this would only make me stronger. I still believed all of that with all of my heart, but for some reason it was no longer enough. Believing those things didn't make it easier. I needed new inspiration. Praying for continued strength I was able to recall a great lesson learned in high school. Back then, I felt as though anything that was even slightly difficult was a big drama and impossibly hard to handle. The world was out to get me and I just had to deal. I constantly found myself being somewhat of a downer. On a day when I was feeling particularly depressed, while I was shuffling through the hallways between classes, I took notice of the backpack strapped to the girl in front of me. Pictured on it was a rather beat up Spongebob Squarepants. He was bruised from head to toe, barley standing, and seeing stars, yet he was still able to muster up a small but significant smile with the words overhead reading "the face of victory." The message was intended to be humorous, but it was so much more then that to me. It held profound truth.
A victory worth achieving is never going to be easy. It requires a lot of bumps and bruises and falling down and getting back up again. Ironically, that is where the joy is found. Without the struggle the victory would be empty. Sports are the perfect example of this. An athletes goal is to overcome whatever obstacles or challenges their opponent or task throws out at them. They are tested both mentally and physically and the harder they work and the more intense it is the sweeter the win. No one walks away from a complete shut-out, spectators included, saying "that was a great game." Instead, we live for the times when it comes down to the last few seconds on the clock or the last few feet before the finish line when all of the odds are against you or whoever you're routing for. Pulling out those victories mean so much more.
What I am getting at is, that struggles, as strange as it may seem, are blessings. They empower us and keep pushing us forward, so in the end when we have reached our goal there is value added to the experience because we have had to overcome and persevere. We have conquered. They make the journey worthwhile because the sense of accomplishment and victory they give you when its all over. If I could remember that and hold on to it, facing this next half of chemo treatments will be a whole lot easier and I will get to keep my positive attitude (I am sure it has been helping me quite a bit).
Anyway, I don't know if my twisted logic will even make sense to anyone else, but I thought I would put it out there just in case it might be able to help someone else in fighting thier own battle, whatever it might be.